On Love + Jealousy (and another BFD update!)

Why I can no longer bring jealousy and possessiveness to my relationships.

TLDR: Today I share more of what happened when I left BFD’s place after our first date plus some thoughts on jealousy and possessiveness which are things I used to struggle with a lot.

If you missed the first part of my BFD story, see this post.

I left BFD’s home in Seattle on Friday morning feeling an acceptance of whatever our relationship would become. BFD admitted that he had a coffee first date planned with someone that day at noon and I would have to leave before then so he could get ready:

“It seems weird not to tell you, but I don’t like standing people up and it wouldn’t be fair to cancel on her. I mean, of course I really like you but I only just met you and I don’t want to cut myself off to other possibilities.”

I let the reflexive jolt of envy pulse through my body for a few seconds before calmly confirming:

“I want you to meet this person too.”

As soon as it came out of my mouth I knew it was my truth.  Even though my naked body was pressed against his when he said it. Even though he seemed perfect for me in every way. Even though there was a misguided part of my ego that initially felt competitive at the thought of this.

I feel confident to let him date and roam as much as he wants to because I feel very accurately seen by him, and because I know he’s been seeing me clearly, it’s really up to him to decide if I’m something that would work for him as he gets to know me more (and vice versa). I care about him a lot, and if he crosses paths with someone who is a better fit for him.

On my end, there hasn’t been anyone else who would hold a candle to what he offers, but if that person did exist and spontaneously appear: I know he’d want me to explore it too.

I like it better this way, it feels like if we do choose each other, it’ll be because it’s what we really want and not some sense of forced obligation.

“Oh wow, my coffee date just canceled because her office is all getting sick.”

I looked into his very kind eyes:

“Oh that’s too bad. Maybe you can reset it for next week?”

“Hmmm. I don’t know. Seems like a risky move: if I keep talking to you, I don’t think I’ll want to go on that date by then.”

“Well, I guess we’ll just have to see what happens…”

On my ride home to Portland I reveled at how love struck I felt.  In the past, this feeling would have instantly brought out my possessive side, but I realize how misguided that is now. Love is not something you can jealously guard, it is something that you must give freedom to.

To me the truest definition of loving someone is letting them be exactly who they are and shining an illuminating light on that. To let someone be themselves fully and subsequently choose you is about a million times more gratifying than stifling someone’s independence and obligating them to your needs.

 I want a love where we choose each other everyday because we want to.