Tour of Dream Home all Set Up Home Pt. 1
Plus a few reflections on what it took to get here.
Dear friend,
BFD and I are 90% settled and set up in our new home, and everything feels so clean, bright, and beautiful. I have moments every day where I’m just like, “Damn! Is this really my life?”
When all that you’ve ever known is chaos, it can feel incredibly surreal to exist in a setting where your mind and nervous system are at peace. I think about where I was a few years ago—laying in bed with an industrial-strength heating pad strapped to my back, thinking about how badly I wanted to die.
On my best days, I’d go for a run down the easternmost edge of my neighborhood. I liked it there because the sidewalk would run for several blocks uninterrupted, then spit me out near the creek that connected Queens with Brooklyn. It smelled heavily of sewer but had a great view of Manhattan.
I’d affectionately nicknamed this spot ‘The Stench Riviera,’ and there were so many times when I’d come to it, stare at the skyline, and wonder how a life that looked so good on paper could feel so miserable in my soul.
A boyfriend, check.
A great apartment in an incredible city, check.
Family nearby, check.
Fulfilling career, check.
I had everything I thought I could want but still, the math wasn’t math-ing—I was deeply unhappy. When I finally burned that life down, something in my soul kept saying, ‘It’ll be better on the other side of this,” while my head argued, “Yeah but there’s no guarantee of that.”
Things got worse before they got better, and lord, are they ever better now! There is a part of me that is having trouble computing that fact. It’s the part of me that turns to weed, and emotional eating, and isolating the fuck out of myself to cope. Even as things got better, my habits kept me feeling like shit.
In the last few weeks, a switch has finally flipped in my mind. I have been keeping up with healthy habits in a way that not only feels incredible but also sustainable.
I’m finally realizing that I am okay now. My environment is peaceful, my relationships are healthy, and my surroundings are beautiful.
For the first time, my life looks and feels like it is my own.
Speaking of said environment, I’d love to take you into my home for a little tour of the progress that’s been made! I put together a video tour of the (now) fully furnished main floor. So, come on in!