The Toxic Allure of the Friend Group Queen Bee

Why we should all rid our lives of overgrown high school mean girls.

I recently had a breakthrough that my taste in women friends has been more toxic than my taste in men ever was. My severe mommy issues, undiagnosed autism and subsequent crushed up sense of self all collided to set a stage where I chased validation from the same type of toxic ‘queen bees’ over and over again.

These types initially come off as VERY charming. As someone who dreamed of fitting in with social groups my entire life— I found their allure irresistible. But when I was younger, I didn’t realize how much of myself I’d give away to keep their acceptance.

While there’s been multiple Queen Bee-types to enter and exit my life, looking back one thing that seems to be a constant thread: I revered them as though they were some sort of all-powerful god. With their acceptance I was something, and without it: I was nothing.

Looking back, I see that I was mostly viewed by them as a prop whose sole purpose was to bolster their ego as high as I could hold it. I gave them whatever validation I could because in return they made me feel accepted, loved, and granted me access to the very thing that eluded me for most of my life: a friend group.

It didn’t matter that there was always a walking-on-eggshells quality to it. Or that I felt fearful as fuck to be exiled from the social circle and would often watch these QBs make examples of other women who dared to cross their ever-shifting boundaries. I was always the first to take the side of my indignant Queen who ensured that anyone caught fraternizing with the offending cast-off would be on notice themselves.

When I hit my 30s and begin learning about things like basic self respect and setting boundaries, I was alarmed at the way my own acts of self expression and assurance repelled the QBs in my life who still lingered.

I’ve had some really ugly friend break ups in the last few years where the person who turned against me, turned all of our mutuals against me as well. In my younger years, this would have been absolutely destroyed me. But knowing what I know now, I can see it for what it is: a way for the trash to take itself out.

Adult QBs are overgrown high school mean girls with egos the size of Brazil and, IMO anyone who takes their shit talk at its word severely lacks a sense of self. I know this, because I was once of one of them: a pawn in the exhausting and ruthless race to the bottom.

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1. Friend Group Reject - In case you missed it, last week I changed the name of this publication and added a paid tier with the goal of forming a community for anyone who has ever felt like a ‘Friend Group Reject.’ Turns we’ve all got a lot more in common than that, and I CANNOT wait to keep building and nurturing this beautiful little community of “outcasts.”

2. Lala Patchwork Dress - as I continue to unmask and become more of myself, I find that I’m craving LOUD and BRIGHT patterns. I saw this dress the other day and I’ve been dreaming of traipsing around Portland in it ever since.

3. Lawless Plummy Rose Tinted Lip Balm - It’s surpringly hard to find a lip tint that both moisturizes well and comes in a flattering color. This hits both marks for me and I’ve been slathering it on constantly.

4. Jackie Bradshaw - Jackie has been one of my favorite artists since a David Berman tribute piece she did popped up on my explore page. I LOVE the beautiful dream world she creates, and currently have two of her stunning originals hanging in my home.

5. Ceramic Cloud Mug and Saucer - When it comes to drinkware, I’ve never been one to purchase a set. I prefer to own a bunch of one-off unique pieces and my motley collection of weird and beautiful handmade mugs is slowly growing, and I think this little cloud cutie would fit right in with the bunch.