Hello my dear Friend Group Rejects!
Today we’ve got a loaded newsletter, but before we get into it, I want to talk about PARTIES. As a friend group reject, I’m sure your feelings on them are complicated - I know mine are!
Parties— much like friend groups—are one of those things that we’ve been told are necessary if we want to be Proper Social Beings™. I generally don’t like them, and finally allowing myself to say it out loud makes me feel free.
I’ve left most parties and social gatherings feeling exhausted, deflated, and like I didn’t make any meaningful connections. In my younger years, I would use alcohol to loosen myself up and make them more tolerable, but these days I’m wary of anything that requires a mind-altering substance to get through.
I always feel like the odd one out. Like all the attendees are broken up into little subgroups while I’m standing off yonder feeling alone and awkward. Here’s a walk through of what goes on in my head when this happens - maybe you can relate? Let me know in the comments!
My Internal Monologue at Parties
I scan the area and look for the circle of people that seems the least tightly-knit, although he thought of approaching any of them makes me feel anxious as hell.
Hmm.. should I just pick one and walk up to it?
I stand a bit longer feeling frozen.
Oh my god - just do it! What’s the worst that could happen? Fucking pick one! Just do it.
I feel my palms get sweaty as I realize each additional moment I’m not in a group is an additional moment that I’m being registered as the uncomfortable weirdo who stands alone.
Uhhh fuck it. I pick that one.
I walk up to a circle of people and feel my heart race with each step forward. No one seems to notice me. The circle doesn’t break.
Fuck! Now I’m double awkward because I’m hovering!
Someone in the inner circle tells a joke.
Here’s my chance to make my presence known!
I chuckle a bit extra loudly than I usually would. The two members of the circle closest to me look back startled. One of them completely ignores me, and I register a look of pity on the other one’s face. The piteous one shuffles to the side to attempt to let me in, but the ignoring one is still partially blocking my path.
“Excuse me” I say to the ignoring one, and they uncomfortably submit.
Ok - I’m in the group! I’m pretty sure the person to my right hates me, but hey— at least I’m in!
Conversation flows naturally amongst everyone as my brain blanks in attempt to process it all.
Fuck! now I’m now I’m the previously awkward hoverer who isn’t talking.
I see a dog off in the distance and long to walk away and pet it.
Don’t do that! It would be even weirder to enter and exit this circle without a word. Everyone else is talking - say something!!
Someone mentions a movie I’ve seen.
Here’s my chance!
I speak up but mess up the timing because someone else started speaking about half a second before me and dominated.
I stand for a few more minutes silently until the groups naturally dissipates.
I don’t want to do that again.
I just want to fucking leave.
If you chose “other”, please feel free to elaborate in the comments!
I spent this past weekend in Seattle visiting BFD. The last time I was there, I was just coming out of being a weed addicted hermit and felt excited to finally be back in the world. That time, we did A LOT of things including Pike Place Market which is really fun, but very much a huge sensory onslaught. Because it took me an entire day to recover from my exhaustion from that weekend, we decided that the keywords for this weekend would be relaxation and restoration. Here’s a recount of each day: