Greetings from New York!
This has been my first trip back since I lived here almost two years ago. Since moving to Portland, I’ve been wondering what being back in New York will feel like and now that I’m here, I realize New York doesn’t feel very different at all:
The brownstones are still majestic.
The streets of Manhattan still feel dizzying-ly electric.
The air in December still feels dry and crispy.
Despite all of the things that haven’t changed, something about it all still feels so different this go-around. I’m pretty sure that that something is the fact that I am a very different person than I was the last time I walked these very familiar streets.
For all of my time in New York I carried the invisible weight of undiagnosed endometriosis and autism, depression, and an ungodly amount of narcissistic abuse. Since moving to Portland, I’ve stared those very demons in the eyes and gone after them one-by-one.
They’re not gone yet but I’ve made great progress.
Sometimes when I think about the person I used to be, I wonder what the purpose of it all was. Was New York’s purpose to just make me so sick and crazy until I imploded like I did?
If I knew the things I knew now when I was younger, would I have done things with my 20s that counted more? Was my time in New York all for nothing?
Well… maybe not for nothing, but for the fulfillment of dreams that weren’t mine.
Dreams I thought were mine because I didn’t know who I was, but once I started figuring that realized everything I’d done in my life up until that moment was to please others.
Walking the streets of New York on this trip back felt like the first time I ever existed here as a ‘real deal’ version of myself, and what made it extra trippy is that BFD joined me for the first few days of my trip.
…And I can’t wait to tell y’all ALL about it.
XX
PS - I’ve been taking it fairly easy for the holidays, but have so many fun plans for this newsletter in the new year.
I’d love to hear from you!
This newsletter was one of my favorite endeavors of 2023. Please leave a comment telling me what you’ve enjoyed about it and would like to see more of.
I love u!
I just typed the biggest comment out and then deleted it because it felt a little heavy. But I really appreciate reading your posts and I look forward to them (originally I wondered if I'd unsubscribe if they just kept building up in my emails) I am so inspired by you learning to understand and love yourself so deeply. I recently realized I didn't think I was capable of actually ~getting there~ but your story is so inspiring and so similar, and just makes me wanna keep learning myself. I truly enjoy your perspective on life and thank you for sharing it with us! Can't wait to read what happens next. (Also, as much as I want all the juicy deets on BFD, I actually kinda love the lightweight secrecy around him because it means he's that special to you. Cheers and Happy New Year!)
Happy holidays x