I Turn 40 Today

Things I wish I knew sooner (+ 6 things I’m loving rn)

Today is my 40th birthday, which, if I’m being honest, makes me feel many things all at once. I would be lying if I said there wasn’t a part of me grieving the feeling of being young. Or more just the feeling of endlessness that comes with youth, the sense that time stretches forever and that so much of life still exists as possibility.

But the older I get, the more I realize something else too: getting older is a privilege, and despite everything culture has spent decades trying to convince women of, there is something wildly magical about growing into yourself. About knowing yourself better, caring less what other people think, and finally feeling more at home in your own skin.

When I look at photos of myself in my twenties, I see someone beautiful and full of potential, but I also see someone who felt lost in ways she could not yet name. There was something missing in my eyes, and I think what was missing was me.

As the years have passed, I have been learning, growing, healing, and becoming more myself than I have ever been, and if I were offered the chance to go back to my twenties but lose all the wisdom I’ve gained, I genuinely do not think I would take it.

Originally this was supposed to be “40 things I’ve learned by 40” in the form of tight, punchy little one liners. But, I apparently have far more thoughts and opinions than I realized, and somewhere along the way these turned into mini essays. So instead of one wildly long newsletter no sane person would finish, I’m breaking this into a four-part series.

40 Things I’ve Learned by 40 (Part 1)

1. Emotional Regulation is a Superpower

   If you are not in control of your emotions, your emotions will control you. You are essentially on a leash, being yanked through life by whatever external force is setting you off that day. Anyone who can reliably get a rise out of you becomes your master. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel your feelings, you absolutely should, but without some sense of inner calm and self regulation, you’re just lost at sea, pulled in every direction by every passing storm.
   

2. The ones who get it get it, and the ones who don’t don’t.

   I recently saw a popular TikTok creator responding to comments telling her to do her hair and makeup. Her response was basically: I wear beautiful clothes and don’t style my hair or wear makeup, it’s my thing. The ones who get it get it, and the ones who don’t, don’t.

   I realized immediately that I was one of the people who got it, and it made me love her even more. Meanwhile, I’m sure the people who didn’t get it were probably even more irritated by her after hearing that.
   

   …And that’s the point! The things that make the right people love, admire, or feel connected to you are often the exact same things that repel the wrong people. Unless your goal is to become as broadly palatable and inoffensive as possible (which, frankly, is impossible), you are going to do things not everyone understands, and that’s okay. The people who get you are the ones who matter.
   

3. There is nothing shallow about wanting to look your best.

   We live in a world where women are judged no matter what, if you care about your appearance you’re vain or self-centered, and if you don’t, people often treat you differently for that too. Looking your best really does change how people respond to you, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to be treated better or move through the world with more ease and opportunity. But honestly, the biggest shift is internal. When I feel put together and well groomed, I feel better in my own skin and carry myself differently. I feel more confident, more worthy, and more willing to put myself out there and take risks.
   

4. Heal your dang attachment wounds

   I spent a good chunk of my 30s healing my attachment wounds, and the gifts I’ve gotten from that work have felt endless. But perhaps the greatest gift is this: I have completely lost my desire to be desired by people who don’t really like me, in friendships, professional spaces, and obviously romantic relationships.

   
   If you’ve ever lived through the hell of longing for, or even becoming obsessed with, people or spaces that barely seemed to want you around in the first place, you know how painful that can be. When I was in it, I didn’t understand why I was like that, or even know there was a way out. Healing my attachment wounds changed everything. These days, if something doesn’t want me back, I let it go, and I cannot overstate how peaceful that feels.

   

5. Buy good knives and keep them sharp.

   This might sound like a small and specific life lesson, but I genuinely believe tiny details create chain reactions in your life. A nice sharp knife that feels good in your hand makes chopping vegetables easier, faster, and more enjoyable. You chop more vegetables, you eat more vegetables, you feel better. More energy, better moods, clearer skin, and maybe even a vague sense that you have your life together. Don’t underestimate how something as small as a good knife can improve your everyday life and set off a domino effect.
   

6. Getting older might be the best dating filter there is.

   You will hear, over and over again, that men are only attracted to younger women, and if you let it, that idea will scare the hell out of you and make you feel like you’re running out of time to find love. In my experience, this is only partially true.
   
   Yes, there are men who are exclusively interested in younger women, but in my experience those men also tend to be exceedingly shallow and emotionally immature (ask me how I know🙄). There are also plenty of wonderful men who want a partner their own age. One of the unexpectedly great things about getting older is that the many of the emotionally stunted weirdos start filtering themselves out. It’s kind of like a hands-free dating filter.
   

7. Stay the fuck away from people who are perpetual victims

   In life, you will eventually meet someone who has been wronged by a long line of people. Every ex was crazy, every friendship ended because someone betrayed them, every workplace was toxic. Every conflict somehow proves how deeply kind, generous, and misunderstood they are. Of course, sometimes people really have been through horrible things, but pay attention to whether someone has any capacity for accountability. If someone is perpetually the victim in every story and incapable of reflecting on the role they play in their own life, proceed with extreme caution. People who cannot take accountability tend to repeat the same BS over and over, and eventually you will find yourself cast as the villain in their story too.
   

8. Jealousy is healthy, letting it turn you into a spiteful controlling demon is not.
   I actually think jealousy is one of the sneakiest emotions because it rarely walks in announcing itself. Instead it disguises itself as disgust, judgment, anger, hatred, or pity. You don’t think I’m jealous of them, you think ugh, they’re so annoying or why would anyone even want that?
   
   But calling out and being honest about your jealousy is one of the most valuable things you can do, because jealousy is a compass. It points toward what you actually want, not just what you’re telling yourself you want because it’s safer, easier, or more convenient. Once I started paying attention to my jealousy instead of being ashamed of it, I started understanding myself a whole lot better.

   

9. It is a billion times better to try and fail than to never try at all.
   The pain of failure is real, I’m not going to pretend it isn’t. Rejection hurts, embarrassment hurts, things not working out hurts. But in my experience, the pain of regret is far worse, and only grows heavier with time.
   
   When you try something and fail, at least you get an answer. You learn something, you gain clarity, and eventually life moves on. What’s harder to live with is wondering what would have happened if you had just gone for it. Do you really want to grow old wishing you had done the things your heart actually wanted to do?
   

10. Be ruthless about the quality of what you let into your life

    When it comes to what you allow into your life, from the fabrics you put on your body, to the food you put in your mouth, to the friendships and relationships you keep around, be ruthless about quality.
    
    I’m not talking expensive for the sake of expensive, I mean things that genuinely make your life feel better to live. Clothes in fabrics that feel good against your skin, food that leaves you feeling nourished instead of depleted, relationships that make life feel lighter instead of heavier.
    

    I’ve found that poor quality things usually end up costing you one way or another, whether it’s frustration, discomfort, replacing the same thing three times, or just the low-level annoyance of interacting with something that kind of sucks every day. And yes, I am talking about people here too.

6 things I’m loving so much rn

1. Dress Code by Veronique Hyland. The fact that I’m no longer chronically ill and depressed has (obviously) brought a lot of really wonderful changes into my life. One I genuinely didn’t see coming is how much fun I’m having learning about fashion and getting dressed. I love sociology and cultural critique type books, and this one hit such a sweet spot for me. Not only is the subject matter fascinating, but it’s written in a way that makes me think I’d still be completely hooked even if I weren’t into fashion at all.

2. I have become mildly obsessed with the concept of a flouncy white skirt as a wardrobe staple. I love how it looks with chunky sweaters and boots, but also with a tank top and sandals. It somehow works year-round and feels unexpectedly versatile. This one by Christy Dawn is my absolute favorite, I am impossibly in love with it.

3. Switching to fresh, delivered dog food has been such a game changer, I genuinely cannot overstate it. The second I pull it out of the fridge, Apple sprints to the kitchen, and I love that the ingredients actually look like real food (including chunks of veggies). They also hooked me up with a pretty great intro offer, so if you’ve been thinking about trying it, you can use this link for 60% off your first box.

4. I LOVE a moisturizer that can be put on while my body is still wet because body lotion on dry skin is, frankly, not my favorite sensory experience. This one is the best I’ve found. I love the consistency, and the smell is fucking delicious, somehow sweet with a tiny bit of umami? I genuinely do not know how to describe it, but it smells incredible.

5. My new phone case. I don’t have much to say other than it is maybe the cutest one I’ve ever owned, it is also square which for some reason is very satisfying.

6. Can you believe my all-time favorite hyper-fixation band is playing a show in New York right around my 40th birthday, celebrating my all-time favorite hyperfixation albums, I’m Wide Awake, It’s Morning and Digital Ash in a Digital Urn. I genuinely feel like this is some kind of gift from the spirit universe directly to me.

I don’t know how I could possibly mention Bright Eyes + birthday in the same sentence without referencing this all-time classique:

Anyway… what are you mildly obsessed with right now? I would genuinely love to know!

Until next time.

xoVC