Have you ever felt like your partner has downgraded for being with you?
On exes, jealousy, and feeling not good enough.
Reader question that prompted this post:
Have you ever felt like your partner has downgraded for being with you? Cough cough
Lately I am having these unhealthy, bad thoughts that my bf has "downgraded" from his last long time relationship. I only feel this "bodily wise" as his ex seems to have not much depth or an interesting mind BUT she is very thin and tall and I have dealed with an ED for most of my life and I am now in a healthy weight range and sometimes I get this jealous feelings, that she is prettier,sexier, just for being thinner. I know this sucks but wondering did you ever feel this sickish way about an ex-gf?
I just want you to know that reading your question filled me with so much compassion and love. I used to feel extremely jealous of and competitive with other women, and the thought of ex-girlfriends were always a trigger that brought out my worst (some of the biggest regrets of my life are the shitty judgements and thoughts I had about some of my exes' exes).
I have to be honest: it's not something that triggers me in the slightest these days. I've actually done a 180 and absolutely love hearing about a person's past partners as it gives me so much context about who they are and what they've learned.
I've also noticed this new attitude I have where I want to see someone's ex (or even an exes' new girlfriend) in a celebratory, beautiful light. If someone chose me once, then that person obviously has good taste and I love seeing and appreciating the other ways that has manifested for them. If I find out that someone's ex is more [insert insecurity] than I am, it doesn't really bother me at all. These days, I feel really secure and confident in who I am and what I have to offer and it is this very attitude that allows me appreciate all of the beautiful and unique things other women can offer too.
If my current partner has smart, hot, and cool exes, then I take that as a compliment! I love thinking that they could be with so many different types of smart beautiful women but they chose my specific flavor of it.
If anything I want to bond and connect with these women as we probably have more in common than not! Plus, I want to appreciate their uniqueness and beauty too - if someone I respect so much can see it, then I am sure I will too.
Does that make sense? I hope so ❤️
There are actually Fiona Apple lyrics that perfectly articulate what I'm trying to convey:
Ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies
Take it easy, when he leaves me, please be my guest
To whatever I might've left
In his kitchen cupboards, in the back of his bathroom cabinets
And oh yes, oh yes, oh yes
There's a dress in the closet
Don't get rid of it, you'd look good in it
I didn't fit in it, it was never mine
It belonged to the ex wife of another ex of mine
She left it behind, with a note
One line, it said:
"I don't know if I'm coming across, but I'm really trying"
She was very kind
And then, I also like these which come later in the song:
Nobody can replace anybody else
So, it would be a shame to make it a competition
And no love is like any other love
So, it would be insane to make a comparison with you
I've actually had some really interesting breakthroughs about my own history with jealousy since dating BFD and I think that's what I'll write about tomorrow. If you'd like to request a topic for later this week based on something that sparked your interest, let me know in the comments!
Also - I'm going to include a little link roundup below. Some of the links are from Amazon which isn't ideal i know, but they do have a really nice commission program. Also I have some pretty well-formed thoughts about why we shouldn't feel guilty for using it and can write about it per your request.
I know I talked about potentially charging for these in my ig stories yesterday, but I'm not sure I want to do that (or at least do that yet). I really don't want to cut off access to people who don't have the financial means to contribute, so I'll be experimenting with some methods that would keep these free to the reader!
Links and info on the featured things below, and to shop more items in my home, you can go here.
The best custom frame makers in the game.
My steam cleaner! Extremely thorough clean using only water (aka no need to be spraying weird chemicals all over my home). I love it and I bet you will too.
The fireplace decals! When I moved in the fireplace felt visually uninspiring, but these really jazzed it up!
If you want to request a link to anything else I've ever purchased or mentioned, you can do so in the comments :)
Ok hmm, I guess that's it for today. I'd love to hear from you in the comments.
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The more subscribers I get, the bigger and better I can make this each day 💓
Ok love u,
xo Samantha